I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle 1990 is a hilarious hidden gem in the B horror-comedy genre, blending laughs with nostalgic horror element, writes WILLIAM BOVE
TITLE: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
RELEASED: 6 July 1990
DIRECTOR: Dirk Campbell
CAST: Neil Morrissey, Amanda Noar, Michael Elphick, Anthony Daniels, Andrew Powell, George Rossi, Daniel Peacock, Midge Taylor, David Daker, Burt Kwouk, Ed Devereaux
Review of I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle 1990
Of all the things that can be vampiric, and of all the mistakes a satanic cult can make, I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle has to be one of the biggest. Not a mistake in making the movie, but from the standpoint of the bungling moves that evil can make, which creates a greater evil.
This is one of the best and one of the funniest. This movie does not take itself seriously, and it doesn’t even try to. Not once, and not in any scene. That is part of the irresistible charm of the whole thing, of which I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle has truly no shortage.
I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle was released in 1990 and sits on that grainy transition from the 1980s to the 1990s. The bloody road of killer B horror-comedy filmmaking does not stop with the 80s in this one.
With the rev of a motorcycle engine hell-bent on evil and thirsting for blood, this movie carves a bloody trail with bike treads right into the 90s, rolling out a red carpet of non-stop hilarity and hysterical horror candy. You’ll be left wondering how you ever stalked the night without it.
The stars lead in with Neil Morrissey as Noddy, the innocent and unwilling accomplice in all this evil, rolling along with his girlfriend Kim, played by Amanda Noar, whose virtue is constantly being pursued by the vampire motorcycle. The ever-persistent and always freshly garlicked Inspector Cleaver is played by Michael Elphick.
And you can’t have an evil vampire motorcycle running around without the force of good: the man of God, billed discreetly as Priest, played by Anthony Daniels, who uses everything but the Force to thwart this evil.
The movie was produced by two former Central Television film editors, who were inspired to create this biker-blood vampire fest by one of the iconic giants of horror, Sam Raimi. Inspired by his flagship horror Evil Dead, the evil in the cabin gave rise to the evil that found a home in a motorcycle—and a whole lot of people to eat in Birmingham. Now, I know nothing about Birmingham. I’ve never been to England or the UK… yet.
But the UK sure is a natural cradle for all things horror, especially horror comedies like this one. Birmingham provides a subtle backdrop, giving just enough of an encouraging embrace to help bring every scene to life with vivid, living love for B-movie horror comedy.
It’s not an easy thing to pull off at all, recreating the fantastic feeling and look of 80s horror movies. Its soul is truly a unique thing. But 1990 Birmingham has the secret to it. And just like the 80s horrors and comedy horrors, you can tell they had so much fun making it.
Three of the major male cast members – Neil, Michael, and David Darker – came from a comedy-drama series produced by Central Television that had a central theme of motorcycles.
One of the many charming features of this movie, which makes no qualms about pulling you in, is how it is nonchalant in hiding the humour until just the right moment. It’s amazing how the actors don’t burst out laughing just before the moment of funny strikes. From the acting, to the scenes, to the dialogue, nothing is ever given away. The whole movie is like this, like a Jack-in-the-box. The movie finds a new way in each scene to pop out at you with the funny. And this movie has no shortage of funny.
Never before have I seen an exorcism performed on an evil vampire motorcycle. Our unfortunate vampire finds itself a guest in the last place it wants to be—in a church. All too eager to leave but not ready to face the sun, the priest (Anthony Daniels) decides he’s going to offer the bike some help. Not having any of that, the bike handle chomps his fingers off, leaving the sad little digits to fall to the ground in a pool of blood. The vampire decided to leave a little something for the collection plate that morning.
A very persistent inspector joins the fight from earlier in the movie to help out the couple and the priest. Even more persistent is Inspector Cleaver’s garlic breath, haunting not only the vampire bike, who meets the breath in a few scenes, but the main characters too, who can never seem to escape the dreary, pungent hold it has on them. The evil in this movie isn’t the only thing claiming victims. Whenever the Inspector is around, the garlic always finds a way to cleave its way into the mix. The vampire motorcycle always tries to escape it, but it can never truly outrun it.
Just like the movie never runs out of comedy, the laughs just don’t quit, not even with takeout. The Fu King restaurant run by—you guessed it—Fu King himself, played by Burt Kwouk, one of the comedy greats who is hilarious even when he says absolutely nothing. And with the assist of our hero Noddy, a hysterical scene is created whereby the mere mention of garlic sends the motorcycle running for the hills, while stealing Noddy’s girlfriend, whom the motorcycle is always trying to take advantage of.
But in the end, our heroes do prevail, finally defeating the vampire marauder by teaching it the finer points of taking a “sunbath.” All the evil is drained away as the motorcycle is reduced to melted goo. But like any true 80s-themed horror, the bad guy gets a chance to come back. Noddy cuts his hand and bleeds on the gas tank, which opens up to drink those final drops. Will the motorcycle make it to stalk the night once more?
Who knows, but we do know that this is a great spot to leave you with a fun fact: our fearless priest who brings in the faith, Anthony Daniels, is everybody’s favourite golden droid from Star Wars, C-3PO.
You can hear very subtle hints of C-3PO every time Anthony speaks, especially when he is making a point. This movie was so funny, and it’s definitely an unknown, unsung, and hidden gem amongst B horror-comedy movies. For me, it stands tall with greats like Frankenhooker.
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